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struggle for survival that seemed, at the time, to have no conceivable
resolution.
Over the first two months after moving in with my mom, almost
every night I lay down on my bed feeling certain that I wouldn t live
to see morning. The burning at the base of my spine and lower back
was so profoundly, acutely painful, that I was convinced that even if
I were to survive it, I would somehow end up maimed or paralyzed
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in the process. Whether or not this made any rational sense didn t
matter much; somehow it seemed like a real possibility at the time.
Day after day I was hit by random waves of electric shocks
throughout my body and consciousness that left me shaken, battered,
disoriented, and paranoid. The electric current rushing through my
body especially at the tops of my hands and feet felt at times as if
it might actually fry my flesh. My bones took on the feeling of hard,
cold, electrified metal. My muscle control seemed to be impaired so
that eating, walking, and hand-eye coordination required great atten-
tion and concentration, due to an apparent gap of some sort between
my mind s command and my body s response.
My nervous system, as a whole, had gone completely haywire. I
would regularly wake up in the middle of the night in agony, over-
whelmed by flashes of light within my mind and appearing visibly
all around me, that were so intense I feared they might render me
blind.
Energy was manifesting through me in so many different forms,
I could hardly keep track of what I was experiencing. I felt simulta-
neously as if I were being crushed, pummeled, and constricted into
nothingness; as well as being pulled apart in all directions, on the
verge of being ripped into shreds. I was continually being pushed,
pulled, bombarded, hit, twisted, and squeezed by the tremendous
force rising spontaneously within me. And on occasion I could feel
a subtle, yet powerful pulsation coming from somewhere in the vi-
cinity of my root chakra, like the roar of a great machine, surfacing
momentarily to reveal the source of my anguish.
I went on many long walks to distract myself. Though nothing
seemed to truly alleviate my turmoil, at least walking in the woods
at the edge of town served as a diversion and helped a little to chan-
nel the extraordinary flood of energy rushing through my mind and
body. Given that I didn t know what else to do, I just had to stay with
it as best I could and hope that things would improve over time.
But I should mention that ultimately, in my experience at least, the
only way to truly align with this force is to bring it directly through
Kundalini and the Art of Being & 87
your being allowing it rise up through all of the chakras and purify
them. Denying it, ignoring it, or finding other channels for the en-
ergy that move it out or away from you will only prolong the time it
takes to transform the nervous system. Once the Kundalini has been
activated within an individual, there seems to be no way to shove it
back down or to get around dealing with it. It has to be allowed to
come into the chakric system, flow freely and work its magic or it
will simply remain in a state of imbalance and
ungroundedness, and thus continue to be experienced as pain, rath-
er than as the deep vitality that is its true nature. Once the Kundalini
power is fully awakened, it cannot effectively be controlled or over-
powered, it cannot be avoided, it cannot be accepted within con-
stricting limitations of the mind, it cannot be channeled around the
self, because the pain of its coming into one s soul is too much to
bear. Once arisen, Kundalini will take you on a wild ride that won t
let up until it has found total acceptance and balance.
Again, this is purely my own experience and subjective under-
standing. Not all who undergo Kundalini awakening go through the
same challenges that I faced. The experience is particular to each in-
dividual some apparently report simply experiencing a rush of bliss
that invigorates their mind; others say that they find themselves un-
able to sleep, yet fully energized, for weeks at a time; others have
something resembling an out-of-body experience. There are plenty
of books on the subject (which I eventually came across, months
after my experience).
Pain and suffering relating to Kundalini is, as always, simply a
matter of imbalance and blocked energy of some sort. If the chakric
centers are fairly open and clear when the Kundalini is activated, less
pain will be experienced, because there are fewer blockages in the
energy s path as it rises to the crown chakra. I guess that I had my
share of roadblocks in the way that needed to be rammed through. I
know that s more or less what it felt like.
Ultimately, Kundalini is simply the pure energy of conscious be-
ing. It has the power to fully clear our physical, mental, emotional
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and spiritual bodies, if we allow it to. It is a positive force, even if it
can be difficult to deal with in many cases. But be careful awaken-
ing the Kundalini by trying to force it can be dangerous, as the power
of this energy might be beyond a person s ability to handle. Heart at-
tacks may, in some circumstances, actually be the result of premature
Kundalini arousal. The heart center is the balancing point between
the crown chakra and the root chakra. If the mind is overwhelmed
by this force and can t stay present enough to balance with it, the
heart may simply give up and quit. I don t think it s a coincidence
that I was having heart trouble myself, just prior to my Kundalini
awakening.
The electric shocks that I was experiencing, I realize now, were
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